


What It Took

by inner_tempest



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-13 22:42:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16901202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inner_tempest/pseuds/inner_tempest
Summary: The words were meant to sting.





	What It Took

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SzonKlin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SzonKlin/gifts).



> Just a little one-shot while I'm finishing up the first chapter of my new multi-chapter. XD
> 
> Many thanks to @SzonKlin, of course! She is the absolute best. We're also planning some lovely things. Shhhh. ;)  
> This is also gifted to her, because she sacrificed writing to read and beta. <3
> 
> The boys are not mine. I just play with them...like dolls, perhaps.

The words were meant to sting.

They were meant to convince Adil of them. To _protect_ him. They were meant to convince Toby. To protect _him_.

But how could he possibly be disgusted with everything he had done with the man he loved?

For Toby, seeing Adil standing before him like that…rigid and professional but tears in his eyes was like stabbing a knife in his own heart. He wanted to take it all back. He wanted to hop up from his seat and wrap his arms around Adil’s lithe frame and hold him tight and promise they’d find a way out of this. He wanted to wipe away those forming tears and kiss him until neither of them could breathe. He wanted to say the words he had been holding back on this whole time.

Toby wanted to tell Adil that he loved him.

But he couldn’t.

The break had to be clean. Toby couldn’t let on to anything he _wanted_ to do. He had to pretend that this was all…over. He had to break Adil’s heart. It was the only way.

_Disgusted._

No, that was all wrong.

Even as he said the words, Toby prayed Adil could hear his voice betray him. That Adil would somehow _know_ that Toby was lying through his teeth. The barman _had_ to know. The words meant nothing compared to everything they had done over the past few months.

Toby _needed_ Adil to know he was lying.

But the tears in Adil’s eyes showed he didn’t see through the lie.

_Don’t cry, my love._

The words were coming out of Toby’s mouth, but he could barely hear, barely process. His mind was far away…imagining everything he was claiming to be disgusted by. Feeling Adil’s cock in his mouth… _God_ how he loved the other man’s cock. And Adil going down on _him_ , probing his fingers into Toby’s ass.

The way they made love.

All the things that “disgusted” him.

All the things that could _never_ , _actually_ disgust him.

 _Why_ couldn’t Adil see? Call him out on it!

“There is no place for you here, and there never will be.”

_Don’t believe me, my love. I could never be disgusted by what we did. You know it…you must know it…_

But Adil was slowly untying his bowtie. “As you wish… _Mr. Hamilton_.”

He tossed the bowtie on the table, turning to leave Toby’s room.

As Adil walked out, Toby could see the tears starting to fall. It broke his heart…especially since it was _his_ doing. He grabbed Adil’s bowtie and held it tightly. Toby felt tears welling in his eyes as well.

He knew what he had to do.

***

Adil’s bowtie was burning a hole in Toby’s pocket, but he couldn’t let go of it. It was all he had left of the man he loves.

When all this blew over…when D’Abberville was apprehended and everyone else’s name cleared, Toby would go to Adil. He would beg for forgiveness, shower him with words of love, pray Adil could excuse it all.

_I’m nothing without you, my love._

Toby wrapped the bowtie tightly around his hand. He could almost feel Adil holding his hand, their fingers laced together.

But the bowtie wasn’t Adil’s warm hand.

Toby felt the tears pricking in the corners of his eyes again. All he could see was Adil standing in front of him, his eyes glassing over with tears…turning to leave and the tears falling. The images that were going to haunt Toby forever. _He_ did that. _He_ made Adil hurt.

How could Toby ever forgive himself?

_Someday I’ll make it right, my love._

The bowtie was burning Toby’s hand. Toby was sure Adil would never forgive him, _should_ never forgive him…but someday, Toby _would_ explain it all. He was pretty hopeless, but he supposed there was always a chance. Hadn’t that been the underlying tone of their entire relationship? And even if the odds were slim to none…

Toby shut his eyes, but the image of Adil in tears was burned into his sight. “Oh, my Adil,” he whispered. “I love you…and someday, I’ll tell you.”

***

When Toby felt himself stirring from sleep, he was slightly confused. The bed was too small, the mattress too thin. And he wasn’t alone. Toby opened his eyes. Adil was asleep in his arms, his head resting on Toby’s chest. His chest was rising and falling with deep breaths. They were both completely naked.

The events of the night before came rushing back to Toby. Saving Adil from a gas exposure suicide attempt…finally telling Adil he loved him…begging for forgiveness…The Halcyon, a bombed, destroyed wreck…the start of _that_ painful conversation before exhaustion set in and the lovers peeled off dirty clothes and crawled into Adil’s tiny bed.

They had started to talk about what Toby had said. Despite the initial forgiveness on both sides, there was a lot more to talk about.

At the moment, Toby just wanted to watch Adil sleep. The color had mostly returned to his cheeks…the cough mostly gone except for a sporadic fit here and there. But he was _warm_ and _alive_ , and Toby felt ready to cry again. When he _really_ thought about how he had found Adil…how close he had come to losing the man he loved…it hurt to think about. Especially since it was all his fault.

He owed Adil so much more than the brief conversation they had had the night before.

Having Adil naked and asleep in his arms made Toby’s heart swell. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for this man…shield him from the world…tear apart anyone who tried to mess with him…and though Toby didn’t know if he had that right just yet, he prayed he and Adil were working towards it.

Adil stirred, his eyes opening blearily. “Toby?”

Toby kissed his forehead lightly. “Good morning, my love.”

Adil’s eyes fluttered. “Was it all a dream?”

“‘fraid not.”

A sad sigh escaped Adil’s mouth. “All of it?”

“All of it.”

Adil curled in closer to Toby, burrowing deeper into him. “Will we ever be safe?” he asked, voice trembling slightly.

“You’re safe in my arms,” Toby whispered.

He hoped his words stuck with Adil. Toby would shield him from everything. Be the one to keep him safe. Even if everything around them was crumbling, Toby would do anything to protect the man in his arms.

“Toby…”

“We need to…talk.”

Adil tilted his head up to look into Toby’s eyes, nodding slightly. “Yes.”

They both knew this conversation needed to happen. Despite knowing how much they loved each other, the events that had led up to last night needed to be addressed. It was the only way to move forward.

Toby untangled himself from Adil…something he _really_ didn’t want to do, but he had to show his lover. He found his trousers on the floor and pulled out Adil’s bowtie from the pocket. “I…let me talk, okay?”

Adil stared at the bowtie, his face softening. He could barely believe that Toby had kept it…after everything. With a heavy breath, he nodded, sitting on the edge of his bed for a moment before pulling on his underwear and trousers. Toby followed suit, sitting beside Adil on his bed.

“I was so…scared…hurt…angry…” Toby started. Adil took his hand that wasn’t holding the bowtie. “Everything that…I love you so much, Adil. And I felt you had just been using me…I mean, I knew you weren’t, logically, but I was so scared, and I think I just…went to default.”

Adil’s thumb caressed Toby’s hand. Toby held his hand tighter, taking a deep breath.

“I thought if I just…made you go away, I could spare us both… _protect_ us both. The whole time, I was praying you’d see through my lies…but…” Toby felt a sob bubble in his chest. It forced its way up and came up in a crying choke. “I could _never_ have been disgusted by when we did. _Never_. Being with you…I’ve never been happier. And I…I wanted so badly to take it back. And I wanted so badly to tell you I love you,” tears started dripping down Toby’s face. “But I thought…I thought if I just made it a clean break…”

Toby burrowed his face in the juncture of Adil’s neck and shoulder, silent sobs wracking his body. Adil pulled him closer, kissing his temple. “I was scared too, Toby. After everything I did…I felt like I _deserved_ everything you threw at me. I couldn’t even imagine you were lying, because I _deserved_ it. All of it.”

“But…after _everything_ we did together…”

“It’s not hard to believe a man could be disgusted by partaking in homosexual activities, Toby. Especially an aristocrat ‘seduced’ by a servant.”

“You didn’t ‘seduce’ me. I know our first kiss was…well, you know. But it’s not like you…forced me into anything. And it’s not like I hadn’t been attracted to you already.”

The two looked into each other’s eyes, knowing they were both thinking of the same thing- the way their fingers had lingered over a glass one night. The night the seed had been planted.

Adil was starting to understand Toby’s reasoning. It hurt him that it would come to that, though. “Toby…what I did-”

“There was a loaded gun to your head,” Toby whispered. “I should have worked harder to understand the situation.”

“I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

Toby was crying again. “Don’t, Adil. God…everything I said…all the lies I wanted you to see through…and I almost lost you because of it. _I’m_ the one who doesn’t deserve forgiveness.”

The conversation was almost going in circles, but it was how the two men were able to express themselves. It was necessary, something Toby and Adil both recognized. And it was hurting both of them immensely, but nothing would be properly fixed without it.

“I just couldn’t…you made me believe every word,” Adil whispered brokenly. “I couldn’t imagine you would lie to me like that…”

“Every kiss…making love…all of it, Adil…I’ve known I loved you since I heard about the bomb in Paddington that morning. I should have said it then,” Toby said sadly, playing with the bowtie. “I was a coward, though. It just did even more damage,” Toby shut his eyes and he saw the haunting image of Adil laying so close to death on his bed. But Adil was here with him. Alive. Breathing through it. “It wasn’t supposed to drive you to-” the man cut himself off, unable to say the word.

Tears were dripping down Adil’s cheeks as well, now. “Toby, I…knew I couldn’t live without you. Whether you hated me or not…whether you were disgusted by what we did…I love you too much and couldn’t live without you…”

“Oh, Adil…” Toby took in a shaky breath. “I was going to come back to you after…when it all got sorted. Even if you didn’t want to see me again…to apologize. To tell you I love you…” he brushed away the tears falling down Adil’s cheeks. “Because I love you so much, Adil. And I’ll beg for your forgiveness if I have to…because I don’t want to live in a world without you.”

“You don’t have to beg. You’re not making _me_ beg.”

“It’s not like that.”

“We’ve both made our mistakes, Toby-”

“ _Big_ mistakes, Adil.”

“Exactly. But look at us. We’re here… _together_. We’ve figured out _forgiveness_. It won’t happen overnight, but things will get back to normal.”

Toby felt himself crying again. He buried his face in Adil’s shoulder again, sobs shaking through his body. “I almost lost you, Adil. I almost lost you, and I couldn’t think about anything but what I had said…and what I _hadn’t_ said…” Toby was shaking, even with Adil’s arms around him protectively. “I thought you were going to be gone before I got to tell you I love you. That I’ve loved you for so long…and I just thought…if I finished things…I could get you safely out of my head. Get you out of the firing line. I didn’t want you there when they took me away again.”

“It should have been me.”

“It was a sacrifice I was willing to make for you. To keep you safe. I was going to take full responsibility for it. _That’s_ why I dismissed you. Get you safely out of the hotel. They could take me, and you would be safely far away from it all.”

Adil tried to laugh, but all that came out was another sob. “You are far too selfless sometimes, Toby Hamilton. You need to learn to put yourself first.”

“I could never do that with you. You’re the most important person in my life…even if I ended up in jail, you would be able to carry on.”

Adil took Toby’s chin between his forefinger and thumb, kissing him lightly. “Foolish and far too selfless,” he said, a slight smile on his face. “ _Very_ foolish.”

Toby kissed Adil deeply. There were no words for how much he missed Adil’s lips against his own. It felt like it had been _ages_ , though it hadn’t been _that_ long. But this was different. All the emotions, the time that _had_ past…Toby’s _fears_ that he was never going to get to kiss Adil again. The kiss tasted like salt, as both men were crying, but Toby could still taste Adil beneath that. He tasted like he always tasted, and it gave Toby hope.

The two pulled back, looking into each other’s tear-filled eyes. “We’ll get back to normal quickly,” Toby persisted. “I mean… _our_ normal. I think…I think we’re already on our way.”

The talk had been difficult, but it was a hurdle the two had successfully cleared. “We are,” Adil agreed.

“I’m going to find you a new flat,” Toby said softly. He didn’t ever want to come back to this one…the phantom smell of gas was still burned into his nose, and the sight of Adil laying on his bed, so close to death were in his head. They’d never leave, he knew it. “Or you could stay in the hotel with me.”

Adil laughed sharply. “Toby…I can’t _afford_ a new flat. And we both know I couldn’t stay in the hotel with you.”

“I don’t care. I’ll pay for it…and don’t-” he glared at Adil as the man was about to cut him off. “I can’t come back here, Adil. Not with…” Toby choked up slightly. “Or we’ll get a flat together.”

Adil knew he couldn’t say no to Toby, not after all this. He could understand some of it, for sure…coming back to this room with all the nightmares creeping around it. But Toby could be a dreamer. Coming up with things like them living together at the hotel or getting a flat for the two of them…these things could never work, as much as Adil wished they could. “Toby-”

“We _should_ get a flat together,” Toby mused. He had that look on his face that he was thinking deeply about something. “It shouldn’t be too hard. We can find one with a room for a servant and make it look like you live there. You could pose as my valet.”

“Toby-”

“You’d be safe. We’d both be safe.”

Adil couldn’t help but think about everything that had transpired. In some ways, he was still terrified that Toby was disgusted with what they had done, despite the air being cleared. Every time he thought about it, it was like a knife in his chest. And even with Toby’s explanation, Adil was terrified. He was _beyond_ terrified. What if they _did_ get a flat together and Toby ended up feeling he wanted nothing more to do with Adil? That everything he had said to push Adil away was actually true. He would love to share a flat with Toby… _God_ did he ever. But the fears were intense, bubbling throughout Adil’s entire being.

“What if you decide you _don’t_ want me?” Adil whispered, looking in Toby’s eyes with fear. “Someone better comes along…or you realize everything you said was… _true_.”

Toby took Adil’s hands, holding them tightly. “There is no one better,” he said intensely. “You’re the only one for me, Adil-”

“There’s so much I can’t give you.”

“And even more that you can,” he kissed him lightly. “And I’m never going to think that what I said was true. I love you, Adil. I could never be disgusted by what we’ve done…or want you to disappear,” he took a deep breath, tears in his eyes. “I almost lost you, Adil,” he whispered thickly. “I’m not going to risk that ever again.”

Adil nodded, leaning in for another kiss. “You’ll never lose me, Toby. Ever.”

Toby was crying again, gripping tightly to Adil’s hands. “Adil, I couldn’t bear it!”

Adil pulled Toby close, holding him tight and running his fingers through his hand comfortingly. “I swear it, Toby. I swear it.”

***

From there, things fell into place quite easily. After much more talking and the tears had dried up, Toby made his case for getting a flat together. Adil was certainly hesitant, but Toby had promised they’d find a place where they could put on a good show of an aristocrat and his valet.

It was not far from the Halcyon, which had already started being rebuilt. There was a smaller room, obviously made for a servant, that Adil kept all his stuff in…though he slept next to Toby in the master bed every night. Adil was working as a waiter at the Halcyon while the bar was being restored, and after long nights, he’d carefully walk out and head to his and Toby’s flat. Sometimes Toby was already asleep and Adil would just slip into bed with him, holding him tight. Sometimes Toby would be waiting up, greeting Adil with a passionate kiss.

It was a while before they felt comfortable getting intimate again. After everything that had happened, they didn’t want to push things…didn’t want to rush in. As far as either was concerned, they now had all the time in the world. There was still a lot of pain at times, worry, fears…but Toby and Adil were working on all of it together. That was the most important part of things.

Sometimes, the words would float to the top of Adil’s head.

_When I think about what we did…I’m disgusted in myself._

_You want to do me a favor? Get out. Disappear. There is no place for you here and there never will be._

Even the thought made Adil want to curl up in a ball and hide. But he knew it wasn’t that easy. It would _never_ be that easy. But he always realized he didn’t have to do it alone. He’d go to Toby, express his fears. Toby would hold him tight, promising him it wasn’t like that. That all Toby wanted was to be with Adil forever.

He had his fears, too. But he did just as Adil did…talked about them before things got out of hand.

There were fights. When Toby or Adil were especially grumpy and would take it out on the other. But in the end, they knew that was just a piece of being a _normal_ couple. Especially one living together. They decided early on they would never go to sleep angry at each other.

And when they finally _did_ make love, it was like nothing they had ever experienced before. And afterwards, laying in their bed, the two were silent for a bit. Adil was curled up against Toby, who was running his fingers through his hair.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Toby asked sleepily, glancing down at Adil with a drowsy smile. “Absolutely amazing.”

“As if you’re one to talk,” Adil chuckled.

“This,” Toby motioned with his free hand. “Is beautiful. I could never be disgusted by it. I know you still get scared sometimes…but I will tell you every damn day if I have to.”

“Words can hurt…” Adil sighed softly, curling up closer to Toby. “Sometimes they still haunt me.”

“I know,” Toby said softly and slightly strained. “But like I said, I will always be here to combat what I said. And hopefully my actions also speak for it.”

“It doesn’t hurt like before,” Adil whispered. “I guess it’s just…a sort of insecurity.”

“I love you,” Toby said, kissing the top of Adil’s head. “It’s going to take time, I know it is. But we’re moving in the right direction.”

Feeling Toby’s arms tight around him, Adil just gave a sleepy sigh. “I love you too, Toby. You give me more than I deserve.”

“As if _I_ deserve what we have.”

It was then that it really struck Toby just how normal their relationship was. A million people could tell him what they had was wrong, disgusting, criminal…but that seemed so… _absurd_. There was nothing wrong or disgusting about Toby and Adil. They were just two ordinary people in love, wanting to share their lives together. From what Toby had seen in straight couples…he and Adil had all that…and _more_. Maybe part of the _more_ was how hard they had to work to keep things secret while still being together…but either way, there was nothing wrong with what they had.

And as Toby felt himself drifting to sleep, Adil in his arms, he briefly thought about everything that had gotten them to this point. He thought about their first kiss in the wine cellar…all the months they shared something _so_ beautiful…the tragedy that had struck them in so many ways, and…how they had pulled through.

How grateful he was, after everything he had said, after almost losing the man he loved, Adil was asleep in his arms. The other man’s slow breathing made Toby smile drowsily as he fell himself falling into sleep as well.

True love was a tricky thing. Toby and Adil had found it in each other.  
How could two people possibly get so lucky?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for all your endless support of my writing, kudos, and comments! I love this fandom...you guys are the best!


End file.
